Reflections

nice post by zx, considering all the crap that he usually posts here, this is rare coming from him. haha zx u've grown up im so proud of u. =)

alright i know u all haven't heard from me for a long time already, but since im so free these days i've decided to write down some of my thoughts.

the reason why im so damn free is cuz im clearing leave now. in fact, i only need to go back for another half a day to get my clearance form signed, do my ffi, pack my things, and den collect my pink ic on 7 nov. ORD loh! haha yeah as u know i like to reflect and think about the past, and the first thing that's on my mind now is what i've been doing for the past 2 years. what i've spent 2 years of my life on. and since i dun haf a personal blog (and most prob will never start one) i've decided to record SOME of my thoughts here, cuz though my mind is always constantly reflecting and thinking about things i dun haf a tendency to write them down or tell others, which is quite sad. so i thought mayb i'd write down a few of my reflections here..

i guess the one question that i've been asking myself is whether NS is a waste of time. i've concluded that there are basically 2 types of mentality in NS. the first is that its a time to make the best out of the 2 years, and come out a better person. the second is the serve and f off mentality, which basically means that juz take whatever shit that comes in your way and grit ur teeth and finish the 2 years. my mentality was the latter when i first entered. it was a torture. becuz u'll hang every single thing u do on ur next bookout, like bookout is ur gateway to paradise. so of course u wont do shit. sort of lar. and there's a saying that the archer who aims for the prize will miss the target, but the archer who aims for the target will get the prize. if u know what i mean. yup the result is that i absorbed nth in BMT, and my shit attitude continued on for nearly a year and a half. it got so bad that every book in i was already thinking of book out. i was so obssessed with ORD that the first thing i tot about when i woke up was the number of weeks left to ORD, and that figure will constantly be on my mind no matter what i do. time seemed to pass so slowly. it seemed an eternity for that number in my msn nick to drop down by one. too slow. its like thinking about how many weeks u've got left to live, only that its about how many weeks i've got left to serve. and when i thought that way i found no meaning, no purpose to NS. its sorta like existential angst, if u get what i mean.

but then sth happened in my life that changed my mentality. it didn't matter what happened, but juz know that there was this paradigm shift in my thinking. i began to realise the value of responsibility, work and everything. i realised that instead of wasting time moping around i was going to spend that time doing my job instead. it was my responsibility to do it, so even though i hated it, and it wasn't of any immediate benefit to me, i knew i had to do it. in other words, i was going to try to make the most out of my time in NS. yes, i know it may sound a bit stupid, cuz we all haf a life outside NS which seems more impt, but if i dun do my job responsibly den those who do (i.e. my plt mates) will haf to do the job for me, and it isn't fair to them either. though i don't feel any connection with them at all, but we're all in this together, and we've to get thru this together.

however the sad world of politics still sickens me. its always been the case, in sch, in NS, and will be, in uni, in work. in NS, its how ppl avoid the "arrows" and in the process "sabo" u to do "saikang", i.e. shit work. i dunno why the world is liddat. but it has always been liddat. there was one time where i ganged up with one clique (cuz all of us sort of hold key responsibilities) to "arrow" another clique whom of course the commanders dun hold as tt high a regard cuz they basically haf less responsibility. and do less work. it seemed right to me, cuz i figured that since we've been doing all the shit for u guys, its ur turn to do shit too. but the worse thing was that we ganged up to "arrow" them behind their backs. we succeeded in doing so, and i felt it satisfied my thirst for revenge, but after that i sorta felt sorry for them, cuz i mean it didn't seem right to me. but that's how the world works, ain't it?

haiz. there're prob a thousand and one incidents like that. im sure all of us haf experienced politics. and it was this hatred for such things that made me so disillusionised with life in the past. not only disillusionised, but sometimes it hurt me too. though of course i wont admit it to others.

mayb deep down inside, ironically, its my inherent need to care that's made me so angry when it seemed to me that everyone doesn't care...that made me think why should i bother when no one bothers...since no one seems to care why should i care...since ppl misunderstand my good will den why should i continue to care for others...

i dunno if u ppl understand, but most ppl i know in camp don't...i feel sick and tired that i've been listening and emphathising with their bloody petty and insignificant complaints but NO ONE freaking emphathises with mine, why the hell should i continue to listen when no one bothers to listen to me...understand how i feel. the worse thing is they CLAIM they understand and i ask them so how u think im feeling then they gimme some shit answer. seriously pissed me off. though its happened to me not only once but so many times in my life that made me even more convinced i will nv be understood forever...

argh freak it lar. but though NS has brought me so much shit it has also made me figure out my thoughts clearer, and for those who know what i mean i know who can heal my anger and hatred...who can understand me...im so happy cuz i've in a sense stopped listening to all the heavy metal that used to vent that anger and hatred in me...my life has definitely changed for the better...i feel like a new-born again haha. for those who know what i mean, u'll know what to do for me. =)

ok long entry. i dun hope for ur symphathy, i just wanna awaken ppl to the fact that mayb unconsciously we've all been hurting others though we dunno it. again, maybe that's the way the world works, but i dunno...

sorry to post sth so serious here, but this is prob only like 5% of what i've been thinking about these days and i seriously need an avenue to vent it. i dun care if no one listens, but at least i can read it and reflect...

hope to meet up soon. =)